The Power of Starting Conversations with 'What'

In an era where everyone seems to be shouting their 'whys' from the rooftops, David Smailes suggests we might be asking the wrong question. In his recent TEDx talk, Smailes argues that starting conversations with 'what' instead of 'why' can lead to deeper understanding and more effective influence.

Smailes's journey into the world of influence began from a personal tragedy, a moment that underscores the power and potential loss inherent in our words. He recounts a ski trip, where a family member's relapse and a missed opportunity for connection linger as a poignant reminder of questions unsaid. 'Why are you doing this?' he had asked, inadvertently putting the person on trial rather than opening a window to understanding.

This experience pushed him into the realms of crisis negotiation and executive coaching, where he learned the art of starting with 'what.' Through his work at a suicide hotline, Smailes was taught a fundamental principle: never start with 'why.' Instead, the first question is often, 'What's going on?' This, he explains, shifts the conversation from blame to curiosity, from confrontation to collaboration.

The 'What' Approach in Action

The FBI's unfortunate experience in Waco, Texas, is a stark example of the dangers of confronting strong 'whys' without understanding the underlying 'whats.' Smailes highlights the FBI's shift in strategy three years later during the Montana Freeman standoff, where they focused on understanding rather than challenging beliefs. "You can't influence what you don't understand," Smailes points out, emphasizing that people often don't know what they truly want until they feel understood.

In a more everyday scenario, Smailes shares the story of a newly promoted leader dealing with a team member's tardiness. Instead of confronting the individual with accusations, she asked, 'What's your definition of late?' This opened a dialogue that not only resolved the immediate issue but also built a foundation of mutual respect and understanding.

From Personal to Corporate Transformation

Smailes's insights aren't just applicable in personal or crisis situations. They translate effectively to the corporate world, as demonstrated by Domino's Pizza's turnaround in 2009. Facing harsh criticism, the company didn't shy away from customer feedback but leaned into it. The question posed to their customers was simple: 'What's your honest opinion of our pizza?' The candid responses were not only accepted but broadcasted, leading to a complete overhaul of their product and a remarkable financial recovery.

This story underscores a critical point in Smailes's talk: "Most companies say they love their customers; few make their customers feel understood." The distinction between being loved and being understood is not just a philosophical nuance but a practical strategy that can save relationships and businesses alike.

More Than Just Words

Smailes's message, distilled through personal anecdotes and professional insights, challenges us to reconsider our approach to communication. The idea isn't just about swapping 'why' for 'what' but about embracing a mindset that prioritizes understanding over assumption. In his words, "Perhaps one would rather be understood more than loved."

As we navigate our daily interactions, Smailes invites us to wield our words not as hammers but as flashlights, illuminating paths to empathy and connection. In a world where everyone seems to know their 'why,' maybe it’s time we start asking, "What’s going on?"